Love is a word that, in our culture, has almost lost its meaning.

Here is an interesting story about the rabbi of Kotzk, who came across a young man who was clearly enjoying a dish of fish that he was eating. The rabbi said, "Young man, why are you eating that fish?" The young man replied, "Because I love fish."

The rabbi responded, "Oh, you love the fish, that’s why you took it out of the water, killed it, and boiled it." He continued, "Don’t tell me you love the fish; you love yourself. Because the fish tastes good to you, you took it out of the water, killed it, and boiled it."

So much of what is called love is like 'fish-love.' When a young couple falls in love, what does that mean? It means that he saw in this woman someone who he felt could provide him with all his physical and emotional needs, and she saw in this man someone who she felt could fulfill her needs. They write it off as 'that was love,' but each one is looking out for their own needs. The other person becomes a vehicle for their own gratification.

Too much of what is called love is 'fish-love.' True love is not based on what I am going to get, but on what I am going to give. Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler, an ethicist, said, "People make a serious mistake in thinking that you give to those whom you love. The real answer is, you love those to whom you give." His point is that when I give something to you, I have invested myself in you. Since self-love is a given—everyone loves themselves—now part of me has become part of you, and there is part of me in you that I love. Therefore, true love is a love of giving, not a love of receiving.

Fish Love

Love is a word that, in our culture, has almost lost its meaning.

Here is an interesting story about the rabbi of Kotzk, who came across a young man who was clearly enjoying a dish of fish that he was eating. The rabbi said, “Young man, why are you eating that fish?” The young man replied, “Because I love fish.”

The rabbi responded, “Oh, you love the fish, that’s why you took it out of the water, killed it, and boiled it.” He continued, “Don’t tell me you love the fish; you love yourself. Because the fish tastes good to you, you took it out of the water, killed it, and boiled it.”

So much of what is called love is like ‘fish-love.’ When a young couple falls in love, what does that mean? It means that he saw in this woman someone who he felt could provide him with all his physical and emotional needs, and she saw in this man someone who she felt could fulfill her needs. They write it off as ‘that was love,’ but each one is looking out for their own needs. The other person becomes a vehicle for their own gratification.

Too much of what is called love is ‘fish-love.’ True love is not based on what I am going to get, but on what I am going to give. Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler, an ethicist, said, “People make a serious mistake in thinking that you give to those whom you love. The real answer is, you love those to whom you give.” His point is that when I give something to you, I have invested myself in you. Since self-love is a given—everyone loves themselves—now part of me has become part of you, and there is part of me in you that I love. Therefore, true love is a love of giving, not a love of receiving.

Therefore, true love is a love of giving, not a love of receiving.